tinder date gone wrong

Not bothering with grocery shopping or cooking, because food tastes better when you share it. I'm losing weight rapidly as a result, but I've no one to show off my hot new bod to. Trying to get out of the house, but instantly regretting it when the loneliness hits harder than september rain. I'm trying to do things for myself.. That whole self love- thing. But what's the motivation if there's no one I can verbally process my day with. Longing to be held, but it's more so a desire of being asked how I'm feeling by a person of genuine interest. I don't want to reach out to people, call them because I'm about to run into a wall. I'm trying to make friends, I'm talking to people. I'm constantly battling the underlying feeling of being uninteresting. Realising that no one cares as I lower my voice and stop talking. Who can I talk to when not even I want to hear the sound of my voice. Table for one, please. Yeah, it's just me. One ticket, please. Asking for two sets of chopsticks when getting takeout, because my solitude is embarrassing.

I recognise this feeling of loneliness. My heart is heavier than the air before a thunderstorm. She's an old friend of mine. I haven't seen her in years, and I didn't miss her for a second. People keep telling me things take time, just wait, it'll come together.. Like I haven't started from scratch before?

How to I explain that the city I've moved to, and I don't click. How do I start unwrapping the loneliness in my heart. Moving to holland suddenly feels like a tinder date gone wrong. He's cute, interesting, and we're looking for the same in a relationship. But the date is awkward, conversations are forced. Minds are drifting, and we're counting minutes of echoing silence. You can't force chemistry, I've been on enough tinder dates to know that. I tie my shoes, lock the door, put in earbuds without music playing because it all feels like white noise. Bringing a book but I can't seem to ever bare reading it. Walking in a faster pace, to convince everyone that sees me that oh, she's got places to go, people to see. I'm an imposter. I'm rushing for no reason. No one is waiting for me.