comfortable in chaos

the waves of creativity became as still as water at night, when my shadow work needed more focus. the past couple of months I've been more or less on the tipping point of being ok, and going absolutely off the fucken rails.

why is the things you should stay away from, the things you crave the most? well, it's not even really an urge, or a need, it's more not having an argument as to why not. the addictive short term highs, and the comedown that follows, where you wake up hungover, next to someone or completely alone.

i do always feel guilty when i don't take the time to write, it's not like i've got writers block. the issue is that i never even make space, take time, sit down, to try. it's like when you go so long without eating breakfast that you don't even feel hungry anymore. at this stage i'm just nauseous, a little bit dizzy, and my wrists feel cold. i wish i was in the habit of writing again. 

but i'd be lying if i said the shadow work was ineffective. letting go of illness and chaotic tendencies, as well as years of substance abuse, is fucken scary. i know it's not a defining factor in who i am, but at the same time i can't help but feeling that i don't know who i am without my parade of red flags. 

someone whole, someone healed, feels so far away from who i've known myself to grow into. when you get comfortable in chaos, when you create friction, and hurt, because the feeling of rejection and pain is familiar. 

i refuse to put pressure on myself in an effective, speedy healing recovery process. i've said this for years, but i will continue to say, i am not yet where i need to be, but thank god i'm not longer where i was. 

(oh and one more thing. i'm gonna just write here and publish whatever. it's not like anyone is reading this anyway. let a diary be a diary for godness sake).