playing with water

Brushing the hair away from my neck, so his lips can sweep by my skin. Soft smooches, warm kisses. The kind that breaks up into very intimate giggles. Kisses that quickens my heartbeat and slows his breath down. He looks at me with puffy, longing eyes, and stretches his arms, before he pulls me closer again. "I should get going". It’s way too late already. With him, I cross my fingers for time to stand still. I want to lay like this forever. Because as soon as I ride off on my bike, I am a stranger to him. Dreading the drilling thoughts that will come, when I stare at the ceiling wondering if he’s thinking about me too. I already know he's not. So for now i’ll just stare into his eyes. Those blue beautiful eyes, sparkling at me like glimmering waves. I can't see the shore.

I'm not worried about getting burned, because I'm not playing with fire. He’s my tide wave, washing over me like a tsunami, breaking me apart, and pulling me with the debris of my heart back with him as he leaves. "I forgot how to swim" I whisper, as I willingly walking into the water. And as the waves break on my thighs, I'm kissing him back: Knowing he'd let me drown. 

Birch trees are rustling their dried leaves. They're not ready to let go just yet. The northern autumn breeze is disregarding my jacket, and I roll my bike over the dried twigs on the sidewalk. Purposely walking on ice covered puddles. Delicate cracks and little bubbles in frozen solitude. Pausing, adjusting the weight from my heel to my toes. Resisting the temptation to jump. For a moment, I think that the way I feel about these frosted spiderwebs, is how he feels about my heart. Amused by the delicate cracks, tempted to crush me under his feet, but not jumping, just yet. Taking his time, to watch the fractures expands, just like I'm softly collapsing. I wonder if I'm going crazy, or if I already am. 

Tall white candles in oxidised silver holders I thrifted this summer. They stand a little bit wobbly but I tried to cut to balance. Equinox’s passed us and the darker nights are getting hungrier, swallowing the days whole, but the moon is flaunting her beauty, and the tree outside our balcony is falling for it. I sit on the bathtub wishing I too was having fun with the moonlight shadows. I smile at him dancing with her. May he never be scared of winter.